On the last day of our holiday this week my boyfriend expressed how he didn't find us compatible and still loved me but not in the way to be with me anymore. He said he was feeling it for a while hoping the holiday would prove him wrong but an argument on holiday confirmed his feelings. He has changed his relationship status to hidden but has still kept it as in relationship with me. I love him and really want him back and agreed to being friends because I know he's going through a lot of personal things. What do I do to win him back?
In the next few weeks, you need to have a new man interested in you. Find one or fabricate one, but by all means you have a new flame according to anyone that he may know. You don’t need to announce it in smoke signals, but if you are asked, smile and discreetly say that yes, you are dating someone. It may sound nuts, but it does help you gain the piece of mind. If you’re not ready to date and still missing him every second of every day, that’s fine. I understand. But HE doesn’t have to know that.

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How to get an ex back through reverse psychology? Well you can start by engaging in their game of bluff! I hear people tell me the following all the time: “my ex says they don’t love me anymore”; or “My ex boyfriend said that he still has feelings but that it’s probably best that we stop seeing each other”; or “My ex girlfriend says that all she wants is for me to find someone else and to be happy”!
Know when it's not working. If you'd been back with your ex for a while and something just isn't right, then it may be true that you did break up for a good reason, after all. Some couples thrive on the drama of breaking up and getting back together, but there's usually a reason why two people can't stay together, and it's that they just aren't right for each other. If the same problems are creeping up again, or you or your ex just aren't happy, then it may be time to take the relationship off life support.
It may not be possible at the start, especially when the breakup was recent and memories of the relationship are still filled in both party's heads. He could be contacting because he misses you to a certain extent but is conflicted and distracted by his new relationship, resulting in him acting this way towards you. Depending on how recent, I would suggest going into NC for now to give each other some space first.

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Hi there, I have been reading tons of advice you guys offer to permanently get your ex back and recently me and my ex broke up 1 year and 8 months into the relationship. We broke up because she said that I didn't love myself, which I realize this now because I had so many insecurities that caused the energy between us to go downhill with my jealousy, trust issues, and depression. I realize all of mistakes now but the 1st week after our breakup I was super needy and desperate, I would contact her and make up lies to just see what she was doing and just to talk to her. I have recently started the no contact with her hoping that maybe she will miss me when she is wondering what I am up to. She told me that I need to move on and just do things that I wouldn't be able to do in relationship such as flirt with other girls, go to certain type of parties, talk to my friends constantly and to just have fun period. She says she has faith with us but she has no idea when she will feel ready to go back into a relationship with me. She also said I have to move on and let go and come back when I have a chance, "To let the bird fly away and if it's meant to be then the bird will fly back." I am just worried because from the looks of it she has already moved on, went to three parties already, and I know she is talking to this guy. I accept that she is doing all of this because I know she just wants to have fun because I used to be manipulative and controlling. I know all of my mistakes now and during this no contact period I want to work on myself and love myself. I accept the fact that if my ex don't want to get back together that I shouldn't sweat about it because I will find someone else, but she has made such a huge impact in my life that I just simply choose to be with her. She simply made me happy but I didn't make her happy. What could I do to fix all of this and perhaps start a new relationship in the future. I wont see her for 8 months because I will be in the army then after that I will be attending the same college as her. I hope that by the time I come back she will be single and had the fun she wanted to have so I can talk to her about giving us another chance. Thank you for you time.

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Remember this step– and really this whole process– is about you. Yes, it is also highly likely that this step will make him miss you, but again, that’s not the focus. Your focus should be on getting to the best possible headspace and having the best possible mindset so you are your best possible self. That is the foundation for lasting love, not tricks and gimmicks.

It may not be possible at the start, especially when the breakup was recent and memories of the relationship are still filled in both party's heads. He could be contacting because he misses you to a certain extent but is conflicted and distracted by his new relationship, resulting in him acting this way towards you. Depending on how recent, I would suggest going into NC for now to give each other some space first.

You also need to avoid displaying your vulnerability in the form of begging, pleading or bargaining your way back into your ex-boyfriend’s heart. You can’t guilt-trip him into giving you a second chance at your romance. A desperate ex-girlfriend isn’t attractive to anyone, least of all your ex-boyfriend. Guys simply don’t like emotional reactions to things, and they’ll want to keep their distance from you as much as possible. This clearly isn’t going to help you win back his heart if he’s keeping you at arm’s length.

Hi there, I have been reading tons of advice you guys offer to permanently get your ex back and recently me and my ex broke up 1 year and 8 months into the relationship. We broke up because she said that I didn't love myself, which I realize this now because I had so many insecurities that caused the energy between us to go downhill with my jealousy, trust issues, and depression. I realize all of mistakes now but the 1st week after our breakup I was super needy and desperate, I would contact her and make up lies to just see what she was doing and just to talk to her. I have recently started the no contact with her hoping that maybe she will miss me when she is wondering what I am up to. She told me that I need to move on and just do things that I wouldn't be able to do in relationship such as flirt with other girls, go to certain type of parties, talk to my friends constantly and to just have fun period. She says she has faith with us but she has no idea when she will feel ready to go back into a relationship with me. She also said I have to move on and let go and come back when I have a chance, "To let the bird fly away and if it's meant to be then the bird will fly back." I am just worried because from the looks of it she has already moved on, went to three parties already, and I know she is talking to this guy. I accept that she is doing all of this because I know she just wants to have fun because I used to be manipulative and controlling. I know all of my mistakes now and during this no contact period I want to work on myself and love myself. I accept the fact that if my ex don't want to get back together that I shouldn't sweat about it because I will find someone else, but she has made such a huge impact in my life that I just simply choose to be with her. She simply made me happy but I didn't make her happy. What could I do to fix all of this and perhaps start a new relationship in the future. I wont see her for 8 months because I will be in the army then after that I will be attending the same college as her. I hope that by the time I come back she will be single and had the fun she wanted to have so I can talk to her about giving us another chance. Thank you for you time.
My ex ended this 1st April (nearly a month ago). I begged. After day 1 he wanted to talk. After a week he never wanted to see me again. I did NC for 4 days until my sister told him to message me (I got sexually assaulted and needed emotional support). He messaged me. He seemed off. We spoke every day. Well I went one day (a couple of times) not replying. I found out I was pregnant. I told him. He was good about it. He told me to get rid of it. I got scared. Basically I messaged him saying I can’t. We argued about me needing him and he said he doesn’t know what to do. Yesterday I said I’m bored of feeling hated. I need my friend back. He said he doesn’t hate me. I went on about feeling hated and being scared of the abortion. I asked if he could see me. He YELLED at me. I ignored him (which is what he wanted me to do all month he even said I went crazy) but 10 minutes later he messaged me back calmer and with this solution: He said I could see him (in Germany) if I get the abortion and it’ll be the last time we ever see each other and we can have a proper goodbye. I went on saying I want to see him before. It ended up him saying he did hate me. I killed the guy I dated (because I said I missed what he used to be like). I messaged him yesterday and he said I can go and see him after the abortion. I asked if he still had access to my Facebook account he said no. I said I hope he is well. Also he told someone that he couldn’t stand me earlier today. Should I initiate NC properly now? Is there any hope? Why would he start off saying he didn’t hate me and now does? Why would he double message after I ignored him when he yelled? I’m so confused please help me.
I accept that the break-up was the best decision as it served as the revelation I needed to get therapy. I have finally been diagnosed and am receiving help for my mental illness. I love him, genuinely, and I want to start a new, healthy relationship with him but he was so angry and hurt when I last spoke to him, and I'm afraid that he won't respond to me if I reach out after 'no contact' or allow me to show him my progress... It kills me that I've hurt him so badly, he means so much to me and has done so much to help me.
This is a typical mistake, which I made as well. I admit that I totally messed up once. I allowed my fears and worries take full control over me. I wrote long messages in my blog, to which he was a subscriber. I wanted to pour my feelings out and make sure that he hears them. I wrote him a ton of text messages and called all the time. But trust me, this doesn’t work!
This is a good article. I probably broke some rules. My girlfriend broke with me three weeks ago, she blocked me from social media except from emails. We'd been emailing us but last night she told me that she wants to recover peace and happyness. I accept to prove her needy. We'd been together for four years. Hopefully in the no contact time she would miss me, as I do miss her. Today I sent her a text message with a flower, wishing her a good day and reminding that she is more beautiful than the flower. I would try the 30 days challenge.
You may have felt like you were in the honeymoon stage, but different people come out of it after different time periods, so he may have no longer been in that phase already. Some guys can be like this (especially if they haven't many relationships before), where they think too logically and realistically, and aren't able to actually put themselves into an emotional sense of understanding their female partners better. You might honestly want to consider moving on and dating someone else, because he has seemed to disconnected himself from you already, and may have even moved on the moment he broke up with you.
I think that continuing your no contact for now would be a better idea before sending out the text. It may be too soon to send this without him thinking you have motives because the breakup was still relatively recent. And if the issue for the breakup was because of his clubbing interests, perhaps it might a good idea to let him go through this phase first instead of suppressing negative emotions while in the relationship, since it's usually just a phase that people go through.
I feel in love with my colleague of 2 years. We were super compatible in every way, we were never apart and both of us were crazy in love with each other. We were in a super serious committed relationship for three years. However gradually I felt that he was drifting apart and there was nothing I could have done to get his attention back. It felt like something was broken in our relationship which could not be fixed. One day he just left a note saying it was over and left without a word. I knew it was coming but I was devastated. I was a mess and begged him to come back saying that we will make it work but he did not budge. I did everything in my power for one year but he just stopped responding all together. I am a data scientist but I am so desperate that I even tried magic spells, prayers, and even hypnosis because I felt so lonely without him by my side but it just did not work and in the process I realized most of these services were a big fat scam. After a lot of research I came across a telepath-they are people who can connect with a human mind remotely to implant thoughts in their mind. It sounded unrealistic but I had nothing to loose so I gave it a shot not expecting any results. The telepath clearly told me upfront that she could implant thought in my ex’s mind to come back to me but since he was stubborn it would take months for it to work .I went with it.

I would like to share a comment with the dr. I experienced the separate therapist scenario and you are correct. the outcome is most certain to be divorce as was mine. Also in response to Alice. I read the book the verbally abusive relationship and although some people are prone to abuse, the author, in my opinion does not share or give any inspiration as does Susan. The author empowers women who need validation to end a relationship without having to do any work or communicate with there partner how verbal abuse may be affecting them. It's an incurable disease according to the author, and a very easy way out of a relationship, as well as a way to exonerate oneself from any and or even partial responsibility for divorce. I guess what's most important is verbal abuse is prevalent and can do serious harm to ones self esteem. it's not a death sentence and once it's brought to light, talked about and understood, can make a relationship stronger. If two people want to be together! Most times once a diagnosis is reached by an unhappy spouse, it's over and this book, as I said before, is the validation needed because once you determine you have been verbally abused your free to go and take no responsibility as the Author points out it's the fault of the abuser who has a death sentence and there fore you must get away.

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Hi my boyfriend and I broke up 3 weeks ago, for the first 2 weeks he reached out to me a few times all positive and I replied. But i spoke to him on the phone 1 week ago, in which I cried and told him how i felt and that I wanted to be with him and could make it work. He said there was nothing I could do to change his mind, he still cared for me, but didnt see a future with me, and we didn’t have enough of an emotional connection for him. I haven’t spoken to him since, I am worried as he doesnt have any social media he wont be able to see what I am up to and I don’t think he will reach out again to me. Im not sure what the best plan going forward is


You would probably have to respect that decision and consider walking away from things because right now you're the third party, and while it's no fault of your own for falling in love since you didn't know, given her history with her boyfriend of 3 years, she's probably going to choose him at the end of the day, and anything else you do from now onwards would paint you as the bad guy.

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Hi, me and my wife have split up after 15 years of marriage and she told me she does not love me anymore. I had an affair 5 years ago and she forgave me. About 2 years ago she asked me to go to relate but I said no as I thought we was ok. Then another year passed and we seemed ok. Then in dec 17 she told me she did not feel we were close any more and said im not her best friend anymore. After that struggled to deal with it and went into lock down mode. 8 months on she walked out saying she had been trying get it back with me but then she said she had been trying to get out for a while as she felt it had all gone. We have two children. And including all our dating time it’s been 21 years together. She said she loves more like a friend but is not in love with me. For 6 weeks before we broke up I pulled out all the stops she was still having sex with me but when she walked out she told me it was just something you do as a married couple which hurt me again. She has told me we are never getting back together as the love has gone and she wants her independence which is really what it’s all about. I was her first live. I have begged and promised to change which I have but it’s making no impact. She says it’s too late now and has been quite brutal with me in the things she has said. Advice?

Have you realized that you are still in love with your ex-boyfriend even though he ended your relationship? If so, you’re probably looking for clues that can help you get back together and put the breakup behind you for good. Your friends may have a lot of different options and they may conflict each other – or even themselves. They may be telling you that he’s not worth your time or affection and that you’re better without him in your life at all. It’s not easy to get past a relationship, even if you want to. You want to get him back, and you need to be focusing on methods that can make that happen.
Do not cyber stalk him and do not pass by anywhere he frequents. Stop making these really “necessary” excuses to get in touch with him or ask him some pathetic question that you need to know right now. If you have to break your fingers, do not contact him in any way, avoid it at all costs. No more crying “I miss you, I’m nothing without you” crap. Back up. You are about to give this assbag the ride of his life.
So basically I met someone, we got on really well, we had a connection and after a week I went to America, once I went to America, things went a bit weird. When I got back he wouldn’t meet up with me because he said he had a lot going on in his mind. Anyway after a month coming back, we met up, we slept with each other, I gave him massages and etc, things were still weird, met up again and slept with him again and now he’s kinda backed off. Like one min he’s okay and one min he’s really cold towards me. I used to ask him what’s the sketch with your ex, he used get so defensive about it. I’ve only known him since mid March but I was so fond of him and feel so down. Please can you give me advice? He hasn’t contacted me since couple of days.

It doesn’t really matter how it happens. Maybe he’ll reach out to you. Maybe you will initiate contact with him. Whichever it is, the key thing at this stage is to keep things casual. And this should be easy for you. You’ve already detoxed from the drama of the relationship, you’re working out, hanging out with friends, have probably been on a date or two, and are involved in new hobbies. Essentially,  your life doesn’t revolve around him or a relationship anymore. You’ve done the mental and emotional work to be fine with the outcome either way and there is no pressure.
Regardless of whether you decide to move on or attempt to win him back, you should still be spending time working on yourself first and foremost. Contacting him again or moving on would be something you decide to do after that, and you'll have to be mentally prepared that he may not see you the same way as 'best friends' again after the transition from being friends to having a romantic involvement to not working out.
I have been wondering how to make him love me again, realise he made a mistake and give a second chance. It is even harder as he is in another country. Plus, I really don’t think the NC rule would work on him, because I have been the one who asks question in our relationship, who kept the conversation going when we lived apart for a few weeks. I believe if i implement it now, it will just give him the opportunity to move on, to forget me, because he has a lot going on otherwise (studies, friends, handball, parties…). Did i also ruin my chances by begging for it so much?

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I was devastated for a few days and cried and begged and pleaded but afterwards I realised it was a stupid idea. Then I started accepting the break but still had thoughts like 'maybe his depression affected his decision' or 'maybe when we meet, he'll rethink it.' He was academically smart but not emotionally smart and I was the other way. It took him a long time to figure out that he liked me too when we were best friends. I also realised it's a stupid idea to think that way because he made his intentions clear for now. I apologised for my actions after the breakup and told him that I'll try my best to be his best friend but...

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How about women just be themselves and if the guy starts withdrawing, then he’s lame and doesn’t want a real person anyway. It’s not my problem that he can’t deal with someone who is an actual feeling, thinking, bleeding human being. I’m so sick of this type of dating advice, that women always have to be the ones to adjust themselves to appease someone else’s weird tepid behavior. That we have to be the ones to “work” on ourselves t in order to land some dud dude who’s half interested. I’m over it.

Relationships are like roller-coaster ride there are some good romantic days while there is some tough days as well. Breakups are also part of any relationship there are many couples who broke their relationships many times and then they get back together. Breakups are not always the end of relationship sometime breakups can provide you opportunity to get back and create stronger relationship than before.

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I still obsess (2 months) about the relationship. I miss being a part of a family, I miss having dinner with him, the sex was mindblowing, sleeping next to him, the lazy weekends and the busy doing things together weekends, waiting for him to come home from work, I miss “our” home, his daughters, his family, Sunday afternoon cookouts at his moms…. I still have the most horrible days when I believe it was all my fault and I was just not good enough and will never be good enough for anyone. I let him do that to me. And yes, I sometimes want that back, him back… Yet, somehow I know that, eventually I will be ok, better than ever. Wish it would get here faster!
Thank you so much for this great article. You’re right! Happiness is the key. I’ve been single now for a few years, post a really bad breakup, and I’ve spent all this time focusing on myself, on what makes me truly happy, independent of guys. And I can honestly say it’s an amazing feeling to be comfortable with yourself. I feel more attractive now than I ever did in my relationship. And I was in my twenties! Thanks for breaking it down in such an honest way. Everyone should follow your advice!
You’d be shocked at how quickly a guy gets his act together when there’s a woman he wants that he thinks he’ll lose if he doesn’t get his sh*t together. A lot of women don’t see this, though, because instead of staying single until they’re clearly, totally and unambiguously in a full-on defined relationship with a guy, they accept his excuses and wait around thinking that somehow he’ll just all of a sudden want a relationship with them (even though he knows the woman isn’t going to leave him)

He went on a road trip to Chicago alone(we are in San Diego so this was a big trip) after memorial weekend cause he wasn’t working to visit family. He was gone for two weeks, called and text me daily I really felt like he missed me and I never get that from him only cause he isn’t he cuddly, not always romantic type which isnt a big deal to me. He came back and completely stonewalled me and wouldn’t talk. That’s when the bickering really started. He would talk to everyone except me. He is so social and playful I knew something was wrong. I asked over and over which I shouldn’t have I even asked specifically “do you love me, do you want me here, and is everything OK?” He said yes, we don’t need to talk 24\7 I let it go. I would ask here and there if everything was okay, again I know probably shouldn’t have. This went on for 2 weeks, then about 12 days ago he dropped it on me. Came in the room told me we shouldn’t be together, he needs to work on himself, we aren’t where we should be after all these years and then I said you don’t love me? He said he was sorry. I didn’t cry or beg(learned my lesson the first time) I said okay “I’m not gonna force you or make you do something you don’t want to do I’ll get my stuff and leave”. He offered to help me move my stuff I said no and did it by myself the next day.
It is not advisable to think brash decisions when one is in love. You need to take your time, evaluate and consider all options. It is only after you have done this that you can decide to go back to your ex. Do not take any step without thinking about what happened. Evaluate what led to the breakup, think about how it happened and think about what you can do to rectify the situation.

Followed all the no contact advice and the texting advice. With the help of some friends things have been going extremely well over the past week, lots of heart to heart conversations about what went wrong and how we could've done it better/differently. Things were also moving very quickly. Too quickly. We hung out every day this past week, had friends meeting eachother, and were kissing at the end of our talks.
Hi my boyfriend and I broke up 3 weeks ago, for the first 2 weeks he reached out to me a few times all positive and I replied. But i spoke to him on the phone 1 week ago, in which I cried and told him how i felt and that I wanted to be with him and could make it work. He said there was nothing I could do to change his mind, he still cared for me, but didnt see a future with me, and we didn’t have enough of an emotional connection for him. I haven’t spoken to him since, I am worried as he doesnt have any social media he wont be able to see what I am up to and I don’t think he will reach out again to me. Im not sure what the best plan going forward is

How Long Will It Take To Get Ex Back


My boyfriend of almost 3 years broke up with me. I'm having a hard time dealing with it and I think I'm afraid move on without him. He left 2 months ago for work and started acting different and distant through text. I would always reassure him and let him know that I would stay and wait for him to come back, but he still broke up with me. I still love him and I don't want it to be over.
Thanks for your article, this makes so much sense. I just went through bad time where after a three months break requested by my boyfriend, he decided he was not sure he wanted to resume our relationship. I cut all contact. I needed to re-organize my life, rethink my situation and create a back-up plan. Since, I am trying to organize to get my stuff out of his place as we were staying together. He does not answer my messages, I don’t know what to do. I have to dride 14 hours to get to his place so I can’t just knock on the door. First of all, I don’t understand what happened as I really thought we were sole mates. Then, why is he acting so distant and non-cooperative. It hurts. I try to be realistic and independent but my heart is broken in so many small pieces.
My girlfriend of two years has left me again (after doing the same thing about two months prior). The last time I had began to move on even though I really didn't want to. She contacted me and said she was shocked by how fast I was moving on and she proceeded to make me believe she wanted me back. Two weeks ago she did the same again - ended it after telling me she "hates me", doesn't love me or fancy me. It's all very out of the blue and I'm acting desperate and needy right now, it's awful. I feel like I'm going mad and I just don't know what to do. I love her but I feel like it's a lost cause.
A while ago, my boyfriend told me he was done with me. That we could remain friends. I find it hard going to friendship from being lovers. Ok, so we still communicate, and Im welcome to his house, n even meet for coffee. I still love him but I think Im confused because whenever I try asking about "us" , he avoids the topic altogether. Is he just tagging me along as he looks for another lady? What should I do? Help a confused sister here.
Recently found your blog after going through some weird “fwb to dating to him getting himself a gf” kinda situation for over a year now. Even tho I loved him I now realize I love myself more and I won’t put myself in this situation again. Thank you for putting things in a different perspective for me. It’s helped me out greatly and I’ve been more focused on myself now. Thank you!
I have been wondering how to make him love me again, realise he made a mistake and give a second chance. It is even harder as he is in another country. Plus, I really don’t think the NC rule would work on him, because I have been the one who asks question in our relationship, who kept the conversation going when we lived apart for a few weeks. I believe if i implement it now, it will just give him the opportunity to move on, to forget me, because he has a lot going on otherwise (studies, friends, handball, parties…). Did i also ruin my chances by begging for it so much?

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You need to become the person that they fell in love with in the first place. No, scratch that, you need to be a person better than the person they fell in love with. You need to show them that you are not the miserable, needy loser who was begging when they broke up with you. There is a good chance that they have associated a lot of negative feelings with you. You have to break the pattern and give them a taste of the new you.
Well, the fact that he found you a unique girl shows that he feels differently towards you, or at least did at one point. However, for some people, it is very easy for them to disconnect and disassociate themselves the moment they decide to, and if he decided upon that, may have even started to lose feelings for you as well. My suggestion would be to give it another week or two to see if he responds, before contacting him once more. If he still does not seem to be interested or does not reply, perhaps consider the idea of moving on, because it might end up becoming a painful process to try and wait it on someone who doesn't seem to be interested.
It was then that I started NC (I had to tell him what I was going to do because we call and text so often). I'm hoping that this will work because I do want him back, but he seemed very unhappy (and slightly angry) when I told him that his actions are confusing me but he cannot make a decision on which girl to go for. And honestly, I was hoping during this NC, he will learn how to live without me (and vice versa). However, this situation is different as he has another girl to console him. Will this still work out happily for me?
i want my ex back but right now to forget him i have a boy.And after he left me i had relationships with many.i feel lost. i just want him back to me.But now when i message him he just don’t care.but i see him sometimes looking at me.i am lost. Please help me.Hes ignoring me. I said him that i wanna tell him something important and i wanna meet him but he said cant meet just message if not go.is it right if i meet up him and tell him that i wanna him back and i will make my mistake forget the past and well be happy again pleas help me please.
Your behavior after your breakup holds the key to your chances of getting your relationship back. There are a lot of mistakes to be made, and if you behave inappropriately or in the wrong manner, you may have the opposite effect that you’re looking for. In other words, if you’re not careful you may just push your ex-boyfriend away for good – and that’s the last thing in the world that you want to do. The problem is that getting a hold of your emotions after a breakup is an exceedingly difficult task.
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