If your focus is on finding hot guys so you can post pictures with them on your social media pages and make your ex jealous, or show up places where you know he’ll be with a hottie on your arm, you need to fix your priorities asap. Again, you need to be focusing on yourself at this time, not on getting a reaction out of him. An angry reaction is not what’s going to make him realize you’re the love of his life and it’s not going to ensure things work the second time around.
I've dated two other men since him, plus ive had shorter flings, I've have had a lot of time to detach and relax and feel FAR less needy around him... I think things could be better this time and that I wouldn't be as emotionally reactive as I used to be with him, but he flat out says doesn't believe that. He used to tell me in the past that i had no idea how strongly our fights used to affect him - so now he doesnt want any chance of going back there and hes happy just keeping it light and friendly but distant. How can I get past his resistance about meeting? I believe that if we meet once or twice he will see things are better and calm down... but I can't get that initial meeting to happen
J and I were together for a little over 4 years and for about the last year of the relationship things got really rough. We went off to separate colleges but didn’t think it would be a problem since we had went to different high schools and lived about an hour from each other anyway. The summer before we moved to college J started acting different, like a real ass, and the week before I moved in to school he broke up with me. I convinced him to still help me move in so I didn’t have to explain to my parents. That night, after I moved in, he begged me to come back home so we could talk so I did. We ended up crying and saying how much we didn’t want to lose each other and got back together. About a week after I had been in school I got this gut feeling and so I checked his social media messages (we had each other’s passwords, it was fair game). Sure enough my gut was right. There were messages from many girls from his college, asking for his number, him inviting them over, back massages, all the typical. One girl (we’ll call her C) he seemed really interested in. But I didn’t overreact I just simply asked him if he’d been talking to any girls, inviting them up, any of that. His response was no. I asked him three times. He said no every time. So I sent him the screenshots, apologized for getting on his stuff, and said you lied to me we are done. That was late August 2013. He started begging pleading apologizing and I would see him some but then a guy from my school, that I was really attracted to, came into the picture. I started hanging out with him a lot, we kissed, nothing more (we’ll call him V). I really liked him but he started talking bad about J and bashing my lifestyle, kinda made me mad. I had told J I had kissed him and really liked him. Then J’s grandpa got really sick. I knew I had to be there for him. Finally after going round n round we got back together at the beginning of November 2013. I didn’t fall in love with him again until the end of January. V was still persistent and we talked a lot. However, J won me back and I fell all over again. School started back late January and things started going down hill again. Me and V started talking some again and J started being a butt. Then it happened. Early February I found out I was pregnant…me and J were devastated, terrified. It’s all we ever wanted but we knew we couldn’t do it. We made the executive decision to abort it. Two days before I was to terminate my pregnancy I got a call from J asking if I could come get him, he had “locked his keys in his truck”. I said I’d meet him half way but I was too sick (from the pregnancy) and very tired and couldn’t make that drive. He agreed. So I went to get him and took him home. Two days later I made the most regretful decision of my life (I hate myself for it) to terminate my pregnancy. At first things were hard. But we got better, him and I. Then on spring break, I was playing games on his phone and checked his messages. He had a texts from C, the girl he was interested at the begging of the year. The text read: from him: where’s my pants? Lol from her: I don’t know haha. I WAS LIVID. Thinking the obvious, obviously. Then I put two and two together. I checked the date on the messages and sure enough they were from the night his keys supposedly got locked in his truck. The truth was they had actually been thrown away with his pants with the girl he was interested in. I didn’t break up with him though because of everything that had happened and his grandpa was still really sick. We got better, celebrated a great birthday together (only a day apart), and things were looking up. I was in love with him. He was in love with me. We grew close again. Then V started wiggling his way back in. We texted casually, quite often though. J got mad. I wasn’t meaning to hurt him but idk, I guess my thought was look how much you’ve hurt me I can at least talk to him, immature I know. In early June we lost J’s grandpa. It was devastating. He was so broken, it hurt to see him hurt. It brought us close again. We had a wonderful family vacation at the lake, gosh I loved him. Then when school started back things got bad again. We fought a lot. We broke up again, I started hanging out with V, kissed, nothing more. I kinda stopped trusting J. We got back together, the last date we went on was mid October 2015. We fought at first but ending up having a wonderful time and that’s when I decided I was going to move close to him and be with him and we were going to get right. Not too long after that though, he broke up with me. It made me mad. He kinda begged for me back, we fought, said a lot of mean things to each other, it got really really bad. He told me he wanted me. Finally i softened up and three days after that I agree. However he tells me it’s too late. 3 DAYS! So I begged, pleaded, cried, apologized, stalked, hacked. Name everything not to do to get your ex back and I did it. He claimed his new girl was better than me and he wasn’t happy and didn’t love me and didn’t care. I heard it all. He was so mean. (This started January 2015). I still begged, cried, called. He started blocking me. (End of feb) After the second time he blocked me I got mad and left him alone..for 10 days. During that time he called and facetimed but never text. I Finally answered him late one night and he was crying. Saying how much he love loved me, how sorry he was, asking if I changed, all that. He then text me that night and said “you’re the only one I’ve been with. I’m tired of f***ing it up with us. I want to f*** it up with everyone else then hope you will love me again one day.” So I begged and pleaded some more. By the time spring break came around I had given up. Then of course he contacted me again. Trying to apologize. He got mad because I thought I didn’t tell him happy birthday but I did, he just didn’t get it. 2 weeks later he tried to contact me asking if I was going to a certain concert and who I was going with. He even logged on to my Instagram, made it public, and added himself back then messaged me so I would talk to him, deleted the conversation when we finished. This was mid April and I was thoroughly confused because he’s told me to move on, he’s moved on, he loves her, he doesn’t hurt anymore, to leave him alone. So I was trying to do that. He contacted me again on facebook at the end of April 2015 trying to convince me we were not meant to be together, of course I didn’t agree, we messages back and forth some then he stopped talking. I just left it alone. That was a Tuesday, the following saturday I got a friend request from him on facebook and realized that after our conversation he had deleted me as a friend. Every time we had a conversation on social media and he didn’t agree with what I had to say he deleted me so at this point I had changed my number and blocked him on everything but facebook. But after I realized he deleted me I blocked him on there too. Ok, so now it’s about a month since that happened. His girlfriend is all about him. I went to his little cousin’s baseball game this past Monday and his family was there but he was not. His aunt cried as did I when I had to leave. That night I text his mom just to see how school and everything went for him. Then he text my mom asking her to have me text him. I didn’t. Then he tried to turn it around that it was my fault. He said he tried to talk to me and would talk every time I wanted to but now I had him blocked on everything. Saying how he had been hurt too and all of that jazz. I still haven’t gotten ahold of him. If he’s moved on like he said why won’t he just let me be? I want to make amends with him because I realize all the hurt I caused. I know what to do better now, I just need to know if there’s a chance to get him back. There’s been a lot of damage but I honestly can forgive it all because I love him. He’s very stubborn and he’s saying never again. Someone please give me some advice on what to do. I want him back and a better us, I’m ready to grow up and get passed all this stupidity but it’s hard when he is being so stubborn. I need some coaching on what to do, is there any hope? He still told me he loved me on spring break, and always would, he just thinks we were no good and all I see is the good. HELP PLEASE, I know it’s messed up, but it can be better, I just need him to see that. I love him, I miss him, and I want to make us right. We used to be so good but distance, school, and stress got in the way.
I so wanna do this nc thing but when i do say 2 days, he will text me little questions like “do you remember where i put my …” And i have never never ignored him at all. Yes he has signs of a narcissist. And he comes from a broken family. We worked at the same place and thats hard for me. You know people would talk and all. I have been laughed at for being the provider. From money to time to chauffeuring him. And that hurts because i did all that in the name of love. But he didn’t appreciate me. In fact he treats me like kids treating a mom. No calls the whole day, busy with everyone. Only finds me when he needs something. He cheats on me too.
Luckily, the period of no contact will give you the time to put in place practices and structures to help you drop your stories and see things in a more positive light. Journaling, meditating, and yoga also helps. Maybe it sounds a little too new-age for you, but intense emotional experiences can send your thoughts into overdrive, so it’s really important to try and find a stillness within and learn to quiet your mind, or at least slow it down a bit.
The first time you meet will bring both of you closer. It is best to meet over coffee or something both of you enjoy. There is no point in talking to him about your relationship at all. Talk about neutral things like his work or things he is going through in his life. Be happy and don’t act desperate or depressed. No one wants a needy person. Talking about the relationship might not be the right thing to do since both of you might not be on the same emotional footing.
Today I asked if I could call him to ask him about a few things I know he knows much about and likes. . He said yes and I called. He was a bit on edge at first but then we talked like we did before breakup and he was talking about some improvements he had done in his apartment and that he's waiting to get accepted to school etc. it was a nice talk, after a while asked him if I could come over some day to pick up my last stuff at his apartment and that's when it escalated. He got upset, wondering why I hadn't said something about those stuff before and why I was asking for them now and if I wanted my things I could pick them up outside his door when he's not at home. I tried to calm him down, and we agreed that he would contact me when I could come and get the things. The call didn't end... well according to plan. What should I do? I have also asked him twice before in texts if we could catch up for a coffee at some point,: He has been positive and said "well I'm busy today but maybe another day" or "I'm busy right now but another time? let's talk about later."
Spend more time on yourself for now, because she probably felt your intention when you reached out and isn't ready to face you yet. Work on understanding yourself better and making positive changes in your life that would help with the depression and mood, so that you won't end up contributing toxic behavior if you ever get a third chance with her, or even if you end up with someone else down the road.
"Typically, when a relationship ends, there may be pain, sadness, or negative feelings on one side or both," says Dr. Amie Harwick, MFT, a licensed marriage and family therapist in West Hollywood. "When considering getting back with an ex, one must consider if they can work through the differences." And while we can’t directly tell you which are good reasons to get back together with an ex, it's a smart idea to consider why you got together with this person in the first place. Are those the reasons you want them back? Do they outweigh the reasons why you broke up? Then there may be reasons to proceed.